How To Change A Diaper In 39 Easy Steps

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After having three kids, I consider myself somewhat of an expert when it comes to changing diapers. Perhaps the hardest time to do this is after they have gotten bigger and are entering the toddler stage, at about one year. So I feel I should share my experience and impart my wisdom on the best way to complete this very important task. Here it is:

How to change a one year old’s diaper in 39 easy steps:

1) Pick up baby that is crawling on floor
2) Take paper wad out of baby’s mouth
3) Notice baby’s bottom is squishy
4) Try to calculate last diaper change
5) Question how much longer diaper can hold before it has to be changed
6) Determine that diaper’s structural integrity is at capacity, must change now
7) Carry baby to changing table
8) Lay baby gently on table (baby should begin screaming)
9) Pick baby up to calm down
10) Repeat steps 8 and 9 until baby stops screaming
11) Pry baby’s fingers off of your clothes (baby should roll over onto stomach)
12) Roll baby onto back
13) Repeat steps 11 and 12 until baby stays on back
14) If it appears baby will not stay on back, hand baby closest object to distract baby (diaper cream is recommended)
15) Pull off baby’s pants
16) Curse spouse for putting baby in onesie AND pants
17) Unsnap onesie (baby should throw object on floor)
18) Pick up object used for distracting off of the floor (baby should roll over)
19) Roll baby from stomach to back
20) Hand object back to baby
21) Repeat steps 17 through 20 until baby settles
22) If baby does not settle, hold baby down with one hand and proceed through all other steps using only your other hand.
23) Pull off tabs of dirty diaper and open
24) Pray there is no poop
25) Pull out one baby wipe from case
26) Curse diaper wipe company when wipe won’t tear off and five come out
27) Use all five wipes to wipe baby (baby should begin to cry again)
28) Remove dirty diaper from baby
29) Curse yourself for not having clean diaper ready (baby should try to roll again)
30) Hand baby dirty diaper (if no poop) to distract baby (you should still be holding baby down with one hand)
31) Grab clean diaper and flick open one handed (if you have not practiced this technique, be prepared to lose baby back to step 17 while you open diaper)
32) Pull dirty diaper out of baby’s mouth (baby should pee)
33) Pull all wet clothes off of baby (baby should scream as if being tortured, this is normal)
34) Wipe changing table with wet baby clothes, throw clothes on floor
35) Slide (semi) clean diaper under baby’s bottom (baby should arch back, this step will take about two full minutes until baby stops arching)
36) Stick one tab to front of diaper (placement is irrelevant, you will readjust later)
37) Find second tab (should be under baby), stick to front of diaper
38) Repeat steps 36 and 37 until tabs are approximately in the correct locations
39) Dress baby in clean clothes (baby should scream throughout. Also, this is a separate 36 step process not detailed here)

And there you have it! The easiest, most efficient way to change the diaper of a one year old.

Bonus: 40) Notice smell of poop, repeat steps 7 through 39

 

How are diaper changes in your house? Did I miss anything?

Erik Miller
Erik is a music teacher, Star Wars fan and really awesome dad. He recently started blogging at Healthy Happy Thrifty Family about his parenting adventures. Please connect with him on social media.

7 Responses to “How To Change A Diaper In 39 Easy Steps

  • I had to read this because I had no idea how you could come up with 39 steps… this is HILARIOUS! Thanks for the laugh(s). 🙂

    • My first draft had closer to fifty steps, I had to cut it down. Thanks for reading!

  • OMG, that is so funny, how on earth did you come up with so many steps. Well done Erik

  • It’s been a long time since I changed a diaper but this took me back to when I did….thanks for the laugh!

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